Sunday, December 4, 2011

100 Reasons Why Women Are Horrible Drivers

We all know that it took women a while to be accepted on the roads. In fact, in many male circles, grunting can still be heard when the words “women” and “driving” are brought up in the same sentence. Unfortunately, some women uphold the bad reputation by committing crazy acts while behind the wheel. They help contribute to the 100 reasons why women are horrible drivers.

001. Putting on makeup in the rearview mirror is their favorite pastime.
002. They’re too busy yelling at the back seat to drive carefully.
003. A Johns Hopkins study says women crash more than men.
004. While the wind-blown convertible look creates a nonexistent view, it offers great sex appeal.
005. Trying to ignore the hot guy in the next car also results in ignoring the light that just turned red.
006. They know their husbands will fix whatever they break.
007. Women know the “Ohhh! THAT’s drive and THAT’s reverse!” line will work every time.
008. They don’t realize how dangerous (and annoying) talking excessively while driving really is.
009. The gas and brakes are interchangeable.
010. The necessary Starbucks fix and texting-while-driving combo are so necessary.

011. That jagged fingernail seems to always need filing down when behind the wheel.
012. More and more tiny women are getting behind the wheels of monster SUVs.
013. Women freaked out by the mouse in the road will swerve into another car every time.
014. When driving past a mirror-glass building, they’re looking at how good they look in the car–and not the road.
015. They don’t like turning on their brights because it scares the deer.
016. Horrible driving starts early.
017. Women will stop dead in traffic to call the radio station and meet the guy looking for his next love.
018. Dishing out the honey-do list while driving requires their eyes to be fixed on the hubby’s.
019. They think yelling at other cars is better than improving their own skills.
020. Texting Cindy about the dress Amber is wearing this weekend is an immediate requirement.

021. When driving in the rain, they wildly dodge mud to avoid getting the tires dirty.
022. 80% of American women keep right on driving when they reach the age of 66, according to the NHTSA.
023. There’s no ticket they can’t get out of with the right outfit on.
024. Taking a quick traffic school class or two isn’t so bad.
025. Changing wiper blades when they’re dull is too much work.
026. They don’t like that getting gas is no longer a full service affair.
027. Speeding is a secret passion.
028. Women love to drive with their knees and elbows when putting cream in their coffee.
029. They think swerving the wheel left and right makes for great aerobics.
030. Pumping the gas and brake pedals interchangeably makes for great aerobics too.

031. Side and rearview mirrors are for makeup checks only.
032. They know the mechanic will lower their labor charges with the pouty face look.
033. Saying they can drive is better than actually being able to drive.
034. Women just hate using those ice scrapers.
035. The first thing they do after an emotional upset is jump in the car and speed off wildly.
036. They try cool stunts to show they can do it just like guys.
037. Switching radio stations requires their full attention.
038. Squeaky brakes are annoying, but not mechanic worthy.
039. They think it’s okay for Billy’s birthday balloons to block the back windshield.
040. The curb and street appear to be the same height when parking.

041. They love knowing that the auto insurance claim will take care of everything.
042. When someone moves toward their lane, they swerve toward them as an intimidator.
043. They hate guys to think they can’t drive, so they drive faster to prove them wrong.
044. The “Do Not Enter” sign is for everyone but them.
045. Changing for the club in the car is sometimes a necessity.
046. They don’t see the necessity in getting regular oil changes.
047. Keeping “Tyler’s Soccer Team Rocks ’10″ in big letters across the windshield while driving makes them such cool moms.
048. They are just horrible drivers.
049. Little things like changing headlights and turn signals aren’t that big a deal.
050. Sticking their head through the sunroof while driving is a great alternative to the hair dryer.

051. Writing “Screw You” in their ex’s lawns with their cars is the best revenge possible.
052. They think driving the wrong way over a tire spike strip will work if they just do it slowly.
053. Real women don’t slow down for cops.
054. They can’t stop reading juicy chapter just because their behind the wheel.
055. They believe that when something drops on the floor, it’s important to pick it up while en route.
056. Brushing their teeth shouldn’t stop just because their driving.
057. If someone in the car is smelly, the windows must go down, even in a blizzard.
058. They strive to be the next Danica Patrick, even if they lack her impressive skills.
059. They think a clutch is a storage space for their small purse.
060. They found out blowing a tire attracts the hot guy every time.

061. Nothing says “I hate you” like trying to hit someone with a moving vehicle.
062. They can’t hit the turn signals with a fresh manicure.
063. If they’re tired from dealing with the kids, they may need a quick stop-light nap.
064. Sometimes a missed turn requires shooting across 5 lanes to catch the next light.
065. It makes total sense to paint their toes while chugging along in rush hour.
066. A “Check Engine” light means nothing to them. Where in the heck is the engine anyway?
067. Parallel parking isn’t their cup of tea.
068. Women think speed bumps mean speeding up to make the car go bump.
069. If someone else on the road has their super unique car, it’s a must to gently rub it with their car to show who’s boss.
070. Singing their favorite song requires closing their eyes on the good parts.

071. Sometimes it’s pertinent that they change their shoes on the highway.
072. They think parking by a hydrant will make the fireman save their car first.
073. They don’t see a need to stop at a stop sign if no one’s there to stop for.
074. Figuring out all of the car’s gadgets while driving is exciting.
075. Combing Sarah’s hair on the way to school is a necessary multi-tasking effort.
076. After the final “Don’t make me come back there!” threat, they finally do it–while driving.
077. If their husbands think they’re bad drivers, they’re not going to let them down.
078. They’re mortal enemies with parking lots.
079. They think turning on cruise control means it’s time to take a quick snoozer.
080. Occasionally, they like to see if “E” really means empty.

081. Swooping their hair over their left eye is just too cute to move when driving.
082. They like to prop themselves up on telephone books to see over the dash.
083. If wearing earplugs to tune out the kids also tunes out traffic, so be it.
084. As guys put it, they don’t learn from their mistakes.
085. They want to watch the DVDs the kids are watching on the way to Disneyland.
086. Pulling out of parking spaces is too difficult.
087. Women think blind spots are spots where blind people stand.
088. Finding Mr. Right sometimes means cutting him off in traffic to get his attention.
089. There’s only room for one woman in the car so that aggravating GPS lady has to go.
090. They found out that bad driving makes them good and helpless to their future suitor.

091. Women love to decorate the dashboard with accessories.
092. There’s nothing wrong with telling the kid brother to stir the wheel while they apply their lipstick.
093. They don’t know how to judge the awning height at the ATM drive through (guys make this mistake too).
094. It’s not uncommon to tailgate the car in front to check out the cool new hairdo the driver has.
095. They read that women aren’t assertive enough behind the wheel, so now they lay on the horn constantly.
096. In order to be on time, they must go at least 20-30 mph over the speed limit.
097. They think the speed limit max is actually the minimum.
098. Hopping buildings isn’t just for criminals on foot anymore.
099. The blinding glare of the sun is such a great tanner that they don’t want to block it.
100. Their moms teach them how to drive.

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