Thursday, August 29, 2013

5 Drinks No Man Over 25 Should Order

Several time ago, Made Man posted a little story called 5 Beers No Man Should Drink After 25. Once it had been shared on Facebook over 18,000 times, we figured it was high time we applied the same reasoning to mixed drinks. And having tended bar at all manner of establishments, and taken all manner of embarrassing orders, I feel highly qualified to opine on this subject. Still in college? Keep downing the drivel. Waving goodbye to bro on your way to man? Time to take these kiddie cups off the menu.

Any Iced Tea Drink
This listing includes but is not limited to: Long Island Iced Teas, Long Beach Iced Teas, Tokyo Teas, Adios MFs and whatever other four-spirit monstrosities today’s youths have conjured up. The days of trying to get as drunk as possible, as quickly and as cheaply as possible. should be over by now. And few drinks are as capable as these are at being bright, shining, neon-colored beacons to the world that say “I'm cheap and have no taste. I hope you are too."

I know, I know, I endorsed them in my Super Bowl drinks piece. But generally speaking, if you're over 25 and still have aspirations of frat boy drink-a-thons, at least try to disguise it like bartenders do with a Cynar bomb or a shot of Fernet. That way people think you've got some class.

I think you get the theme by now. Purple Hooters, Jolly Ranchers and Gummi Bears belong to a world you are no longer a part of. Let go. Note: Were I to make a list called The 5 Most Emasculating Drinks a Man Can Order, these would jump straight to top.

Vodka + Energy Drink
Has there ever been a more disgusting way to sneak narcotics past your tongue and into your system? Either man up and get something worth tasting or pop some pills and order a lemonade. By 25 you’ve become a G.A.M. (Grown Ass Man). Now drink like one or face the alternative; slowly turning into that creepy old guy hanging at the club with his fancy shirt. You know, the one with the gaudy print inside the cuffs and collar, sipping on what? This drink.

Choose Your Own Ingredient Drinks
And finally we get to the worst of the worst. All the prior drinks are ordered by guys who just haven't taken the next step in drinking and need a push. But when a guy orders a “Goose and soda with a splash of cran, but shake it... and two limes... in a rocks glass” it’s clear he’s trying desperately to look cool while having no idea what he’s doing. It’s the lowest form of bar insecurity. It’s also the worst kind of douchebaggery, the kind where you think you're sophisticated and superior. At least the Jägerbomb guy revels in and admits his douchebaggery. Fun fact: I may be a male mixologist, but I can tell you for a fact no hot female bartender will be impressed, either.

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