by Nicholas Pell
When you go into the wild, you do your best to steer clear
of mountain lions and bears. But how do you prepare for legions of pint-sized
creepers far more likely to put you in a world of hurt? Get ready for a trip
into the darkest recesses of the animal kingdom, where what doesn’t kill you
makes you wish that it had.
Candiru
You might have read about the candiru, also known as the toothpick fish or
vampire fish, in your favorite Burroughs, Grann or Palahniuk novel. What makes
this little punk so special? Well, he has a particular place he likes to crawl
up - your urethra. Did we mention he also likes to suck blood? Long considered an
urban legend… until some dude rolled up at a hospital and needed one surgically
removed from his junk. Our advice? Don’t go swimming in the Amazon.
Brazilian Wandering Spider
You’re looking at the freakiest eight-appendage creature this side of a Siamese
twin. What’s so scary? The Guinness World Record for venomous-ness, to start.
And not only does this guy have toxic juice, he can bite through your skin like
a warm knife through butter on an Alabama summer night, he likes to live near
human populations, and he ain’t afraid of humans. He will attack if you scare
him or even try to. And, oh yeah, his bite can cause priapism. No joke!!
Bullet Ants
Did you know we can measure the pain of an insect bite or sting? It’s called
the Schmidt Sting Pain Index. And the bullet ant - so named because his bite
feels similar to getting shot - is the reigning world champ. But hey, relax, the
shaking and paralysis wears off in a day or so. Among the Satere-Mawe people of
Brazil,
a man isn’t a man unless he’s worn gloves lined with angry bullet ants - for ten
minutes - 20 separate times. We’re really glad all we had to do was get a
driver’s license.
Irukandji Jellyfish
Just five millimeters in diameter, this tiny Aussie boasts tendrils that extend
about a meter and shoot venomous stingers. At first it feels like a mosquito
bite. Then the real fun begins: pain so excruciating, victims beg doctors to
kill them. Headache, backache, vomiting, sweating, nausea, rapid heartbeat and,
yes, “an impending sense of doom.” One woman compared it to the worst pain of
childbirth when it starts… and building from there. And she said that after a
full shot of morphine.
Japanese Giant Hornet
The Japanese Giant Hornet is one big tiny insect. So big, in fact, that when he
finds a hive of bees kept for honey, he eats every last one. A bug that eats
bees, people. And just wait until he stings you. The venom isn’t the deadliest,
except when he injects a ton, which he’s prone to do. About 40 people die from
such stings every year, making it the most lethal animal in Japan. Yeah,
this hornet kills more Japanese people than bears, snakes or day-old sushi.
Army Ants
This one’s almost obligatory. The army ant isn’t content to chill around the
anthill, sending out scouts for food here and there. In fact, army ants don’t
live in anthills at all. They don’t construct permanent homes and they all go out
looking for food together. They’re basically one massive Viking raiding party
made up of ants. They swarm in one of two ways, both with terrifying names:
swarm attacks and column raids. Either way, not the kind of crew you want to
doze off in the sand around.
Human Botfly
Human isn’t in the name because this one’s is our buddy, as much as it might
want to be. Botflies like to lay eggs in humans that then develop into larvae.
Remember that scene from Wrath of Khan with the earworms? This is kind of like
that, except they can lay the eggs anywhere, the eye being a popular spot. You
can kill the thing while it’s in you - if you want a really nasty infection. Best
to seek professional medical attention. It’s the only way to remove the entire
larva safely. Have fun!
Source : http://www.mademan.com
Welcome to my nightmares!
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