Posted : December 2012Author : the admin
Work often sucks. That is a sad fact of life, and one that we must come to terms with sooner rather than later. Whilst some have the privilege of truly enjoying what they do for a living, many feel unfulfilled with their work. As a result of this lack of enthusiasm, it is not rare for people to turn up intentionally late or sometimes even not at all. If you are going to do this however, it is important you have some form of premeditated excuse in hand. Suitable excuses depend on several things, for example the nature of your work, your colleagues and most importantly your boss. If you ARE the boss however, then your worries should be limited. In fact, why are you even reading this?
This one obviously only applies to those of you who drive (public transport commuters see item #9). I imagine this is a very common excuse; however it does have its perks. For example, there is no way anyone can disprove it (unless you work at a mechanics garage of course) and - due to the presumed time scale involved with fixing up a broken down car - it will get you a good few hours. I’d advise ringing in earlier and saying you’re going to be held up for several hours. You could even stage a phoney conversation with a mechanic, it’d be great fun.
9. “The Bus/Train Was Late”
This one shouldn’t really need any explaining. Its relatively simple. Public transport, at least where I’m from, has a distinct reputation for being unreliable.
8. “I Lost My Keys/Wallet/Phone”
This excuse is excellent as if you plan it in advance, you can literally take as long as you want sitting at home watching that glorious pre-afternoon TV. In order of effectiveness I would rank the items phone, wallet, keys. There’s only so long your boss may be willing to accept not being able to find your phone as a legitimate excuse for your lateness. Your wallet may buy you a little more time, however your keys are most important, you can’t get far without your car keys right? Especially when all the buses are late…
7. “My Dog Died”
This one is slightly twisted yes, but sometimes extreme measures are required when giving into your lack of motivation. The subject of the excuse, being your pooch, is of course interchangeable with any other pet you may possess - however the bond between a man (or woman) and their dog is often a tender and close one - making your excuse less likely to be questioned, especially if you’re a good actor.
6. “I Hit a Deer”
Very much depending on which part of the world you call home, this is an age old excuse which should not be underestimated. Many species of deer are indigenous to North America and number largely in the millions. Obviously if you live in Manhattan, it’s going to be harder to convince your boss you’ve mowed down a buck on your commute than if you live in rural New Hampshire, however this excuse possesses a wider scope than others regardless. Those of you have experienced a collision with a deer can empathise with the sheer mess it makes of your vehicle.
5. “I Overslept”
Quite fittingly the laziest excuse on my list, this is for those with no shame or care for what others may think of them. It’s self-explanatory and due to its lack of ambition and creativeness will rarely be disputed - however it may get you fired eventually.
4. “The Traffic Was a Mess”
An excellent for one reason, it’s often true that the traffic between the home and the workplace is a nightmare due to everyone heading in exactly the same direction. A terrible excuse for another reason, your co-workers may fiercely deny its legitimacy if they managed to get in on-time. Definitely avoid this one if you have colleagues living in your neighbourhood. Even if you figure the people you work with to be cool, never underestimate their desire for favour. A brutal truth.
3. “Something, Something my Kids”
The ‘something something’ stands for absolutely anything you feel your boss will buy. Maybe it should have been ‘Anything Anything my Kids’ but we all make mistakes and it’s too late now anyway. OBVIOUSLY you need a child or two for this one to work as a known bachelor is unlikely to convince the boss that his timekeeping issues are down to his children giving him the run-around. Chances are, if you have kids they will make you late for work regularly anyway. If you do wish to attempt this excuse however I shall list a couple of examples/suggestions: “I had to take my kids to school after they missed the bus”, “I had to take my kids to the doctors”. You get the picture.
2. “My Alarm Clock is Broken”
In the current age of gadget-ism it’s likely to take a rather sophisticated lie-smith to pull this one off, partly due to its lack of inspiration though mostly due it being a terrible excuse. In fact, I’ve got no idea what this is doing at number two on this list, if you can convince your boss that your lateness is down to a faulty alarm clock- you’re too smart for your job.
1. “I Had a Family Emergency”
Number one on the list with good reason, this excuse is excellent on many levels. Though once again slightly un-ethical (as all falsehoods are?), you are unlikely to be probed in any way in the time immediately after issuing this yarn. Due to the implied privacy garnered by the involvement of family, bosses are 9 times out of 10 unwilling to question your excuse, despite its lack of detail. I’m not too ashamed to say I’ve used this one once or twice in the past, and though one time a manager tried to probe further into the details - I told them it was none of their business and that I’d rather not go into it, it was awesome.