By Federico Lo Giudice
“But Walyou!…” – might be thinking our dear readers – “you must be wrong! Superheroes are awesome and geeky, and they couldn’t possibly go wrong!!”. Fine, don’t believe us? Okay, see for yourselves. This is Walyou’s 10 Lamest Superheros list.
His powers include asking thieves (very politely, mind you) to stop stealing, and pronouncing “about” as “a boot”. Or something like that. The writers don’t really explain where he got his powers from, but we know he fought alongside Captain America and Namor in World War II as a member of the Invaders. After a story arc where he bonded with Northstar from Canadian supergroup Alpha Flight over understanding the issues of AIDS (you know, because Northstar is gay), he disappeared into oblivion being eventually replaced by his son who looks like this:
2- Whitewash Jones
The hominid featured on the picture is whatever the artist thought a black man looked like, while his dialog, completely out of fashion, might be the most racist thing ever printed on a comic book. Whitewash Jones was a member of the young allies, whose powers were “making a harmonica talk” and “being good on de watermelon”. We guess that if the character was updated for today’s sensibilities, he’d eat at KFC and make love to “smooth operator”.
3-Comet The Super-Horse
Comet debuted in Action Comics 292 in 1962, and was one of the several animals with superpowers that appeared in that age. This period spawned characters as interesting as Streaky the Supercat and Beppo the Supermonkey but Comet had a twist: not only was he a superhorse, but he (it?) also had telepathic powers. He was originally a centaur in ancient Greece named Biron, whom the witch Circe gave a potion to turn him fully human, but by mistake made him fully horse instead. Once she realized what she had done, she gave him superpowers for the inconveniences caused. “Yeah, right, but where are my hands?”, must have thought Comet. After many adventures with Superman and Supergirl, a magic spell was cast that turned him into a human, but only while a comet passes through the solar system he is in. As a human, he adopted the identity of “Bronco” Bill Starr, a rodeo trick-rider, whom Supergirl fell in love with.
4- Super Malon
This bunch of cheap knock-offs are somehow inspired by the Argentinean gaucho (basically, a South American cowboy of sorts). Writers were lazy and didn’t really provide them with a proper back story or origins for the most part, but the team is composed by Cachiru (the Hawkman-Batman rip-off), La Salamanca, who possesses elemental powers, and has the ability to astrally project her spirit self (After doing peyote, we guess), El Yaguareté, the flash knock-off with super speed wearing a Jaguar skin costume…
Other members include Cimarrón, a sword wielding swashbuckling hero, Lobizón (who’s pretty much wolverine), Pampero, who can control wind currents, and two heroes that pretty much deserve entries of their own in this list. El Bagual, whose power is having a horse head, and Vizacacha, the master thief and acrobat. Yeah. Also, they fight this guy:
5- The Red Bee
His powers range from a horrendous fashion sense (god dammit, those pants! That shirt!) to doing nothing in particular at all. Yep, just like Batman, he doesn’t have any particular super-powers. But unlike the Dark Knight, instead of relying on a life-long training in martial arts and physical preparation, Red Bee’s modus operandi consists in using his faithful bee (oh god) that resides in his belt. “Beware, criminals, if you don’t let go of your weapons, my bee will sting you!”. Man, what a loser.
6- Zan and Jayna (The Wonder Twins from Superfriends)
Source : http://walyou.com