Nature is filled with horrible beasts that look like they want to kill you (and in fact very much do). But at least those nightmares are honest, and look the part. The real assholes are those animals that look completely harmless - adorable even - but possess secret powers that expose them as the goddamned monsters and borderline space aliens that they truly are. For example ...
For many of us, starfish are little more than blind, deaf, headless, brainless creatures that feel just as at home dried up on the beach as they do rambling along in the water. If they could talk, they would absolutely be Patrick from SpongeBob. It's almost impossible for them to look less intimidating than they already do. That, unfortunately, is part of their cruel master plan. Behold a starfish's eating habits:
|Still more dignified than Golden Corral.|
|And the Sarlacc waited for Boba Fett to fall into its mouth like a goddamn amateur.|
|We weren't kidding when we said camping sucks.|
In conclusion: SpongeBob is bullshit. If that show were truly accurate, Patrick would be covered in gibbering demonic maws, regularly disguise himself as a traveling circus, and shit out his own intestines en route to turning SpongeBob into a melty, quivering taste sensation that even the krabbiest of Krabby Patties couldn't hope to match.
#5. Octopoteuthis Sports Undead Battle Tentacles
Unlike the giant squids of the world, Octopoteuthis deletron doesn't look like it could do any damage whatsoever. It's just an ordinary little squid, right? Even the whole one-eye thing is cute for once.
|In a sea full of two-eyed marine life, the one-eyed cephalopod has trouble judging distance.|
|It would certainly redefine "bear traps" if others could.|
Oh, and this isn't just some show meant to distract prey until the main body gets back from the salon or the mall or whatever it does after dropping the arms off at day care. No, the goals here are to survive, and kill. Remember, this squid is not very big, so it's often prudent to get the shit out of Dodge when an enemy arrives. Of course, if you flee, you can't eat, right? Well, that's where the spastic limb brigade comes in. After the squid swims away from the scene, the arms keep attacking and injuring the enemy until it dies, or at least is maimed beyond repair. Then, much like an asshole manager who swoops in to take credit after his employees do 99 percent of the work, the squid itself returns to finish the job and feast away.
#4. Snails Are Nature's Chainsaw Massacre
Unless you make your living growing cucumbers, you probably don't fear snails. They're slightly slimy, very googly-eyed, and quite delicious when cooked the right way. At worst, they resemble giant loads of phlegm that gained sentience and slowly slithered away. That's certainly gross, but it isn't nightmare fuel, right? Well, tell that to this earthworm, which is about to be ground up by the snail's mouth-razors:
That, children, is an amber snail, native to New Zealand (in case you needed another reason to not go there). It will slowly stalk its prey (sometimes in full view if said prey is blind or stupid enough) and suddenly attack, scooping it up and swallowing it in one bite. But it's not so much what it eats but how it eats it. Turns out its mouth is a full-blown medieval torture chamber.
|Sadly, the band name "Snail Mouth" just doesn't have the same ring as "Iron Maiden."|
|Except for Yosemite Sam, who would come out the other end as a bale of hay.|
And it still doesn't end! Even heavily armored creatures are no match for these slimy demons. Beach-dwelling moon snails have recently been observed sneaking up and pouncing on crabs, drenching them in slime until they can't escape, and using those goddamned chainsaw tongues to drill a hole clear through the victim's shell, scraping and shaving until they can slurp out all the tasty, tasty crab guts available. Those said crabs are alive the whole time, because nature actively enjoys being the worst.
#3. The Arboreal Salamander Is a Tiny Crocodile in Disguise
D'aww, just look at that thing. Forget that it's slimy and cold-blooded for a second and just stare into those puppy-dog eyes. There's no earthly way it could do any harm at all, right? Even if it has teeth, they're probably harmless little blocks, useful for gnashing teeny bugs and that's about it, right?
Yep, these adorable little babies are basically closet crocodiles. With its muscular jaws and wicked fangs, an arboreal salamander can easily draw blood from a human being, and would definitely eat us if it were just a little bit bigger. And we mean it; they like them some meat. For the most part, arboreal salamanders feast on insects, worms, and other invertebrates, but they have no issues with making a meal out of their fellow amphibians, particularly the even more adorable and totally-harmless-for-real-this-time slender salamander.
|Totally no poisonous genitals or anything. That we know of.|
#2. Spiny Mice Lose Their Skin and Then Regenerate It Like Wolverine
Not every animal has to kill to be horrifying. Case in point: the spiny mouse. Resembling the adorable love child of a gerbil and a hedgehog, spiny mice are timid little desert dwellers who basically lead normal mouse lives: pooping, nibbling, and more pooping. That is, until danger comes along. Then it's time to get nasty. You see, spiny mice have an incredible (and disgusting) mutant power where they will rip apart their own body if attacked or threatened. And not just a little bit. No, they'll tear up to 60 percent of their own flesh if need be.
|Has anyone tried offering them a Snickers or something?|
So now that this cute (kind of) little guy has shown up any puny skink or newt that thinks losing their tail makes them hot shit, what's left? Well, how about the ability to completely regenerate any and all lost flesh in a short period of time? Yes, much like Wolverine, the spiny mouse will begin to heal its wounds almost immediately, taking only three days to begin growing back lost flesh and skin. It takes a bit longer to grow back its hair, but even then it's only a month or so. Naturally, the hair is exactly the same color and texture as the old stuff, a secret most middle-aged men would love to get in on. Even if it requires the loss of their flesh first.
|Brogaine: Now With Complimentary Scalping Knife!|
#1. Ladybugs Are Poisonous, Fungus-Infested, Carnivorous Death Tanks
Ladybugs, or ladybirds if you live in the U.K. and have no idea what a bird looks like, are bright, colorful, and oh so pretty. They're probably neck and neck with butterflies on the list of the most socially acceptable insects around. If you call a little girl a ladybug, it's a sign of love and affection - far less so if you call her, say, a mealworm. Other, smaller bugs, though, are not exactly fans of the polka-dotted beauty. In fact, if you could talk to one and pointed out a particularly pretty ladybug to it, its reaction would likely be along the lines of "OH JESUS F**K, RUN AWAY." Because there's a good chance the ladybug wants to eat it.
|This particular bug is called "Lunch."|
|Admit it, you'd do the same thing if you were five times larger than everyone else and armored like a tank.|
But at least they still got those cute polka dots we can stare at, right? Yeah, about that - there ain't a damn thing cute about them after all. Those dots are nothing but a warning to other animals that ladybugs taste like shit and are poisonous. This poison can't hurt us, but it can definitely do in any fellow insect that the ladybug deems a threat.
In case the visual sign isn't enough, a ladybug will ooze its own rancid, toxic body fluids into a predator's mouth, something researchers refer to as "reflex blood," and something we refer to as "ewwwww." They'll even use this shit on rival ladybugs, infecting them with a poisonous fungus that kills bugs dead and leaves the victor free to chew away on the victims' children.
|Ladybugs are basically Voldemort, is what we're trying to say.|