Sunday, January 1, 2012

Actors Who Would Make A Better Superman

In case you haven't heard by now, the actor chosen to portray Superman in the upcoming film reboot of the iconic DC comics character is Henry Cavill, perhaps best known for his work on the Showtime original series The Tudors, a show that combines soft-core porn with really inaccurate history.

Now, he's a handsome enough fella, and all. A little... English. You know... fancy. Our expectations aren't high, anyway. The word reboot is just Hollywoodese for "same poop, different soundtrack." Here are some bullet-proof Superman casting suggestions that aren't dumb.

10) Charlie Sheen
He's got the dark hair, steely eyes, and given some of his recent troubles, it's easy to believe he is some sort of space alien who can fly. I mean, it would explain how he gets into (and out of) some of the craziest situations in Hollywood.

9) The Situation
Any Superman needs to appeal to young audiences, and there has been no television show that has been more of a phenomenon than Jersey Shore. The Sitch has the abs of a superhero, and the appeal of superstar, so we say go for it! Just please, no Snooki as Lois Lane.

8) Adrien Brody
Don't laugh, this Oscar-winning actor has performed admirably in action films like King Kong and Predators, and remember, just looking good in the suit is only part of the job, you also have to read lines and not sounds like a block of wood. We don't want another Dean Cain on our hands.

7) Jon Hamm
The star of AMC's Mad Men was actually considered for the role, and we think it's a shame he didn't take it. Huh. I guess he must be OK with starring in one of the hottest TV roles on television, racking up hilarious guest spots on SNL and 30 Rock, and generally being considered handsome and talented by everyone he meets. What a fool!!!

6) Paul Rudd
So why couldn't Superman have a sense of humor? Paul Rudd has been taking over the role as straight man in a number of comedies lately, and there's no more straight-laced character than Clark Kent. Any actor who plays Superman has to also be able to play his bumbling, well-meaning alter ego.

5) Eric Cantor
Sure, the current Republican House Majority Leader may not be an actor per-se, but he's got the strong chin, piercing eyes, and shock of black hair that reminds this writer of a young son of Jor-El. Plus, if he can go on Meet the Press and refuse to say that the people STILL questioning the President's birth certificate are nuts, how hard would it be for him to believably state he came from Krypton?

4) Ed Helms
The comic star of such projects as The Office, The Daily Show and The Hangover might not be a natural choice for Superman, but think about it, he's got Clark Kent DOWN. Remember, people criticized Michael Keaton as Batman, too- and that choice worked out. Sort of.

3) Jason Statham
The working class brawler currently appearing in The Mechanic would certainly need to work on his accent and put on a wig, but Statham has quietly put togther a string of action classics that put him on par with Jean Claude Van Damme, Steven Segal, or even, dare a say it, a Chuck Norris, all in a time when action films were considered passe. Time to put him in project with some high visibility. "Look! Up in the sky..."

2) Jay Hernandez
Why can't Superman be Hispanic? There's no rule that he HAS to be white, is there? I mean, sure he originally drawn as a white dude when his creators Jerry Siegel and Jerome Schuster first launched the character in 1938, but, um- newsflash, in 1938, ALL comic book superheroes were white. Times have changed, Hernandez has a classic look, and has played the hero in everything from Friday Night Lights to Hostel.

1) Artie Lange

Granted, Superman should be in better shape than the troubled comedian and Howard Stern sidekick, but we submit two factors: 1) Can anything kill this guy? and 2) Tell me right now that if you heard there was going to be a Superman movie starring Artie Lange you would not be curious. Sure, it would be a different kind of Superman movie, but after the past decade of superhero overdoses, aren't we ready for a change?

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