Monday, December 23, 2013

8 Movie Heroes You Didn’t Realise Probably Died Horrible Deaths

Original source : http://whatculture.com
Posted : March 2013
Author : T.J. Bernard

Having invested both time and money in a trip to the movies, there’s arguably no better reward for all your efforts than to be given the chance to watch the main hero secure their dreams, rescue the girl, and save the day. Because when they succeed, it makes us feel good, and that - fundamentally - is what we like to take from our blockbusters, isn’t it? As effective as it often is, nobody really enjoys watching a good movie protagonist meet their end at the hands of a villain. Sure, sometimes there’s absolutely no way for a character to survive a preposterous set of events without it seeming silly, and a self-sacrifice can be a great way to imbue a character with a dose of added coolness. But generally speaking, we like ‘em to survive. And when they do, it’s great. Unless, of course, there’s something that the movie isn’t telling you.
Yes, caught up in the happiness of a heroic finale, there’s a seriously good chance you might’ve missed some important (and dooming) implications contained in the 8 movies we’ve assembled here. Like, um, how that happy ending wasn’t so happy after all, and that the hero probably died horribly whilst the closing credits obnoxiously obscured your view…

8. Driver – Drive (2011)
The “Heroic Ending”…
Having gone from “handsome, broody next door neighbour” to “borderline psychopath” over the course of Nicolas Winding Refn’s electronic thriller Drive, Ryan Gosling’s nameless character gets into a bloody fight in a car park with Albert Brooks, who stabs him brutally in the abdomen, before being stabbed in the neck himself and killed. The Driver, wounded, climbs into his car and – just when we think he’s passed through to the other side – he blinks. Yay! He’s alive. Ease in the film’s iconic “A Real Hero” track, and off Ryan goes, ready for the next adventure…
But wait…
An online search reveals that, for somebody with a deep abdominal wound like the one afflicted to Driver here, the chances of survival are roughly in the vicinity of around 50% – and that’s when medical attention is sought relatively soon, given that bleeding out is a major issue here. Okay, so Driver can just head to the nearest hospital, right? Well, no, not really, because he’s just killed a man in a car park, and he’ll be connected to a whole string of other murders, many of which he’s directly responsible for. Well, he has, uh, other connections, doesn’t he? Somebody he can call? No. Everybody he knows is dead (and we know he doesn’t go back to visit Carey Mulligan’s character). He’s a loner. Likelihood is, then, that Driver passed out and crashed into a tree about eight minutes after the movie ended. The car exploded and he got fried. Which is still kind of cool.

7. LaBoeuf – True Grit (2010)
The “Heroic” Ending…
True Grit is one of those rare movie remakes that actually works – so much so, in fact, that it might even be considered better than the original flick. And we owe that primarily to the Coen Brothers, whose screenplay was consistently excellent, and to some great performances from Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and newcomer Hailee Steinfeld. The movie ends in a heroic fashion, with Bridges’ man of “true grit,” U.S. Marshal Rooster Cogburn, taking on a dangerous posse single-handily, whilst Damon’s character, LaBeouf, makes a one-in-a-million shot across a valley to save his friend. Then, riding through the night with an injured Mattie Ross, wholly determined to save her life, Cogburn departs from LaBeouf, who is too injured to ride. The movie ends with Mattie alive, and Cogburn a hero. Woo!
But wait…
Matt Damon’s character, LaBeouf, was seriously injured when he was left alone in the middle of nowhere – he’d been bashed on the head with a rock, a hit hard enough to knock him unconscious and trigger a concussion, and was likely low on supplies and food. Not to mention he’d bitten off half his tongue in a previous scene, and is noticeably delirious from his injury. Not enough to justify his apparent death, you say? Well, in the original movie from the ’60s, the LaBeouf character (played by Glen Campbell) actually succumbs and dies from exactly the same wound – a rock to the head. The whole thing is made even more obvious here, though, when an older Mattie actually comments that she never saw LaBeouf again. Why not? Surely he would have tried to find out if she was okay after everything they’d been through? Nope: the likelihood is that he died right there on the ridge, and coyotes ate his body or something.

6. All The Heroes Left In Gotham – The Dark Knight Rises (2012)
The “Heroic Ending”…
Having ridden Gotham of its tyranny and defeated the real mastermind behind the takeover, Miranda Tate, Bruce Wayne realises that he must sacrifice his own life to save the inhabits of his beloved city, because there’s a huge nuclear weapon primed to go off and destroy everything. Mounting the Batwing – a large, bat-shapped aircraft thing – he attaches the weapon, and flies off out into the ocean, where the bomb detonates, and, uh “kills” him. Everybody looks on poignantly at Bruce’s sacrifice, but the day remains undeniably saved.
But wait…
Except it doesn’t, because a huge nuclear weapon just exploded in the city’s bay area, which means that the effects of a fallout – what with the wind blowing the radiation in every possible direction – are inevitable. See what we’re getting at? Somewhat horrifically, radiation poisoning is going to be a serious problem for many of Gotham’s inhabitants… and that means heroes like John Blake, Commissioner Gordon, Alfred Pennyworth, and Lucius Fox are going to find themselves in a seriously awkward position. And when you consider that Bruce had – in his own words – two minutes to fly the device out into the bay, we know that he couldn’t have gotten particularly far. According to “actual science” which I looked up for the purposes of this article, 10 miles seems to be just about enough distance from a nuclear explosion to prevent direct damage (i.e the city itself). But anywhere in the vicinity of 100 miles? Completely exposed to fallout radiation. Bane, at one point, even specifies that the fusion device has been transformed into a “4 megaton bomb” – that kind of yield would have had a truly devastating effect. Which means that so many of our favourite heroes will be spluttering into an early grave, regardless of Bruce’s heroics. Either that, or they all develop awesome super powers and team up to fight crime. Yeah, that’s what happened.

5. Shaun – Shaun of the Dead (2004)
The “Heroic” Ending…
Having battled an endless army of zombies over the course of the movie, Shaun, his ex-girlfriend Liz, and an assorted group of their family and friends, manage to make it to their local pub, where they hole up and prepare for the apocalyptic final battle against the undead. When everyone else is either mutilated or transformed into a zombie, Shaun and Liz bid farewell to Ed, who has been bitten and will turn zombie soon, and he and Shaun share a final moment of friendship. Then the couple manage to make it back out on the street, where the army arrive and shoot down the hordes of undead. Shaun and Liz, reunited by way of their circumstance, become a happy couple again… though it is revealed that the remaining zombies are being utilised by way of mundane, laborious jobs (like pushing trollies at supermarkets), and Shaun has even kept the zombiefied Ed in his garden shed, who he proceeds to join on occassion so they can play video games together. Aw.
But wait…
In the movie’s iconic final shot, Shaun can be glimpsed sitting in extremely close proximity to his former best friend, who even attempts to bite him, only to be knocked away with playful charm. It’s played for laughs, of course, and it’s a good way to end the film, but how long can this behaviour last, exactly? Given that Shaun presumably plans to keep Ed in the shed indefinitely, there’s going to be at least one occassion when Shaun – perhaps drunk or sleepy or too caught up in Timesplitters 2 – is going to get bitten by Ed. And then what? Liz will come out to the shed to find that her boyfriend is a zombie. Imagine that! Maybe she’ll get bitten, too. Maybe all three characters will go on a rampage and start the second zombie apocalypse. Because the precautions that Shaun is seen taking with Ed aren’t at all fitting to the situation. It’s a zombie. The man has indadvertedly set himself up to not only end up as a member of the undead horde himself, but to potentially ruin London for a second time ’round. Still, we all know how good multiplayer is, so it’s somewhat understandable.

4. Captain Willard – Apocalypse Now (1979)
The “Heroic Ending”…
Apocalypse Now, based on Joseph Conrad’s timeless novella Heart of Darkness, chronicles the epic journey of Captain Willard, who, during the on-going Vietnam war, is tasked with assassinating a former Great Beret who has gone insane and set himself up as a God amongst a local tribe in Cambodia. That man is Marlon Brando (though he’s called Kurtz in the movie, ’cause that’d be weird). At the movie’s climax, Willard is captured by Kurtz and his army, but is eventually set free – he returns to his boat and orders one of his men, Chef, to call in an airstrike. Then he proceeds to Kurtz’s chamber, where he murders him with a machete, and escapes from the compound. The iconic line “the horror… the horror…” echoes in the background as Willard, his mission finally complete, heads off into the darkness aboard the boat…
But wait…
That airstrike. You know: the one that Chef called in, not a few moments before his head was removed from his shoulders? And given the time lapse that has taken place between Chef calling in the colossal firebombing strike and Willard getting back to the boat, there’s an explosion of absolutely catastrophic proportions imminent on the horizon any second… and given how big these napalm explosions are – and how much the U.S. military want Kurtz dead – you can be sure that the area is going to be transformed into a fiery hell, and Willard is going to be right smack bang in the midst of it. Is it likely that Willard, in his dumbfounded state, got out of that area in time? Probably not, which means that – though the mission was a success, at least – there aren’t going to be any survivors. Exactly, perhaps, what the U.S. military might have wanted, anyway, given that this was an extremely top secret mission.

3. Jaguar Paw – Apocalypto (2006)
The “Heroic” Ending…
Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto is set at a time when you could get your head cut off in order to be sacrificed to a God, although nobody could deny that the surrounding scenery is absolutely fantastic. As a result of living in such a word, our hero Jaguar Paw doesn’t exactly have a great time over the course of the movie. Having escaped a horrible death at the hands of the Mayans and defeated the highly-skilled hunters who set out to kill him, he’s finally re-united with his wife and child (in the nick of time), and they flee. In the movie’s last moments, Jaguar Paw peers through the trees and onto a beach, where he notices a fleet of Spanish ships making their way toward the shore. He suggests that they get the heck out of there and start new lives… phew! Crisis averted!
But wait…
Alright, so Jaguar Paw and his family have avoided the Spanish troops for now, but what the movie doesn’t tell you is that – over the next few years -  they will take over the entire peninsula. If you know your history, you’re well aware of what happens as a result of said “taking over,” given that it’s the 16th century – complete subjugation (not to mention the spread of European disease that came with the landings). Which means that, yes, either Jaguar Paw will be killed by these invaders as he attempts to escape them, or both he and his family will be subjected to a life of capture and imprisonment. Either way you look at it, it ain’t pretty. Apocalypto kind of glazes over the horror of what is to come in its final moments (perhaps purposely), which might of led some audience members to believe that some kind of “new beginning” was about to occur – one that benefitted Jaguar Paw and his family. Uh-uh. No. Not at all.

2. The Von Trapps – The Sound of Music (1965)
The “Heroic” Ending…
After what is considered a lot of singing and a rollocking good time, The Sound of Music‘s legendary Von Trapp family decide that they must leave Austria (as to not, like, die) and are aided by some friendly nuns, who manage to sabotage Nazi vehicles and give them the opportunity they need to get into Switzerland. Which is what happens in the movie’s final moments – the beloved family head off into the mountains in the iconic final shot, the music swells as it does in this sort of thing, and you quietly tell yourself that you don’t need to watch the movie again for another ten years or so.
But wait…
So the Von Trapps are headed into Switzerland, right? “Just over the mountains” from Salzburg, right? Uh, wrong, actually… completely and utterly and terrifying wrong. What actually lies in said geographical location is probably the worst and most horrific thing imaginable (at that time, anyway): Germany. And not just Germany, but a little place called Berchtesgaden, which was basically the town that ol’ Adolf Hitler liked to call “home.” That’s right: the wanted family walk straight into Nazi H.Q. – the one and only location that they totally needed to avoid. In real life, of course, the actual Von Trapp family weren’t so stupid as to not check a map and plan their escape properly: they boarded a train to Italy instead, which makes far better sense, given that Italy isn’t Germany. What we also have to consider here is the fact that the mountainous pass to Germany is sure to be a treacherous one, anyway, and lacking proper equipment and supplies, the family might not have even made it directly into Hitler’s lap – they likely perished on route. Basically, the end of The Sound of Music is devastating no matter how you look at it: death will follow the Von Trapps no matter where they go – and all because they forgot to consult a stinkin’ map.

1. Belle – Beauty and the Beast (1991)
The “Heroic Ending”…
Disney’s Beauty and the Beast is considered a monumental feat in animation, what with that swooping chandelier shot, and classic songs like “Be Our Guest” and that one sung by Murder She Wrote. The movie tells the story of a young French girl named Belle, who finds herself held prisoner by a terrifying monster – one who slowly begins to fall in love with her, ’cause she’s smokin’ hot. The monster, of course, used to be a prince, and was transformed – along with the entire staff of his ridiculously massive castle – by a sorceresses who thought he was a bit of a dick. By the movie’s end, and having completed the arduous task of rehabilitating a giant buffalo/bear/wolf hybrid, our beautiful heroine, Belle, manages to survive a castle assault, a vicious attack from an old flame, and running around atop a castle roof during a thunderstorm. That said, the curse is lifted when the Beast and Belle officially fall in love, and he’s transformed into a handsome chap with golden locks. In fact, everybody who inhabits in the castle is returned to normal, the castle itself goes from black to white (bad to good, see?), and the music swells to such joyous effect that you might never be able to picture a happier moment as long as you live: “Certain as the sun/rising in the east/tale as old as time/song as old as rhyme/beauty and the beast…”
But wait…
So Belle and the Beast just lived happily ever after, right? That’s what the song implied, didn’t it? Uh, nope, probably not. Like, at all. Because something terrifying is looming on the horizon, and it ain’t pretty. How well acquainted are you with a little thing called the French Revolution? For anybody unaware of such history, in its simplest terms, the French Revolution basically involved the poor people of France turning on the rich ones, ’cause that’s what happens when you take everything and leave nothing for the rest of society. Put even simpler, this meant rounding them up and beheading them. Anybody familiar with this particular event will know that it doesn’t bode well for anybody living in the world’s biggest freakin’ castle. And considering that the Beauty and the Beast story we all know and love was written (it’s based on a story, yeah!) 34 years before the French Revolution took place, it means that Belle and her Prince will only get to live until they’re about 50 years old before the peasants more than likely take siege on their castle home. I mean, actually imagine Belle being taken out to the guillotine, whilst the Prince looks on in despair, knowing he’s next. Still, great castle, huh?

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