Written by Eric Pittman
Here are few strange and dangerous patents from years ago when
man’s brain was still evolving. When you have a look at these you’ll wonder how
we’ve made it as far as we have. Many of these involve taking one perfectly
good item, combining it with another perfectly good item and turning them into
one perfectly happy item. Have a look at these prize-winners…
Ok, so you beat your sword into a plough-share, now show a
bit of American attitude and turn it into a cannon! This is a horse-drawn
plough, which doubles as a cannon. Conveniently hidden in the
forward-projecting handle of the plough is a cannon barrel. It’s just the thing
for the feisty farmer who wants to fire off a few rounds before dinner or
protect the family farm.
Here’s how it works: First, shoot your plough-horse in the
a$* to kill it! Only then will you have a clear shot at the varmints trying to
take over your turnip patch. Then, if you actually have to aim it, see if you
can get your wife to help pull it around. Chances are, though, once she sees
what you’ve done to the plough-horse, she’s not coming anywhere near you and
that thing.
2. Parachute hat fire escape
Hey, it’s a hat that turns into a parachute that’s attached
to your head by a chin strap. If your building catches fire you can leap to
safety from the top of the building! What a great idea…for a five year old!!!
Remember when you were a kid, and you or your buddy jumped
off the roof with a home-made parachute and broke a leg? Come on, everybody did
it once. Aren’t you glad the roof wasn’t higher? With 39 stories to go, if you
had this thing on your head, you could choke yourself on the way down, too!
Hey, now that I think of it, isn’t “hung by the neck until dead” a form of
punishment? I wonder if your chiropractor would recommend this?
I think back when people took steam trains, most of them
must have been a lot stupider. Here’s a couple of inventions involving steam
engines, which, at the time, were a modern marvel in society and ripe for any
idiot to improve upon.
Just look how bright their bulbs burned…
3. Device to prevent train collisions
This is a set of tracks attached to the roof of train cars
starting with a ramp on the lead locomotive and ending with one on the caboose.
It is supposed to allow one train going in the opposite direction to drive up
the ramp and over the lower train by use of the rooftop tracks.
Ok, Evel Knievel has nothing on Casey Jones if Casey ‘d
tried this. But, if you can believe a train is going to successfully navigate
the up-and-over manoeuvre needed to complete this little brainstorm, you need
to sterilize yourself so you don’t pass on the stupid gene to the rest of
humanity. For one thing, every single train car would need this over-the-top
track or things will come to a crumpled mess right at the gap.
But what if both trains have it? Who goes over and who goes
under? Try to imagine a couple of locomotives travelling at 50 miles per hour
towards each other and then think about how great the suspension is on an
Amtrak train. Then think about how easy it would be to take a ramp with a
locomotive. It would be like Evel Knievel crashing at Caesar’s Palace all over
again, except this time with trains and massive loss of life and fire and noise
and … well, you get the picture.
Wouldn’t it just be easier to not send two trains towards
each other and into certain disaster?
4. Device to move livestock from the tracks
This is a nozzle on the front of a steam locomotive with
which the engineer can aim and shoot boiling water. This invention is not that dangerous for people, but really
dangerous for cattle or horses. The idea is to release hot water from the
boiler of a steam train to shoot out towards livestock blocking the track. My
guess is that the critters are going to get really scalded and then just lie
there on the track and take the hit from the train rather then suffer from that
painful burn you just inflicted upon them. Perhaps they should have used this
to clean the coal dust off the houses near the tracks as the train went by
instead.
Here’s another device which would get PETA all excited (and
hopefully bring out the naked protesters to stop it.)
5. The electrified hot dog wiener roaster
This is a device to prevent dogs from peeing on things.
Somebody was so pissed that Rover was relieving himself on the courthouse wall
that he stayed up all night and drank most of the alcohol in the house just to
come up with this little genius idea.
This device consists of a metal plate with exposed wires and
high voltage running through it. It was supposed to be placed around things
that a dog wants to pee on. The theory is that if the dog pee completes the
electrical circuit he is going to get an electric shock to the nuts and he’s
not going to pee on it again!
Probably right, but wouldn’t you rather have a dog pee on
the courthouse once in a while instead of being surrounded by dangerous
electrified wires and dead dogs with their little fried wieners hanging out? No
word on what happens when it rains and kids are walking nearby. We had a guy on
our block who liked to electrocute dogs. Some of the local dog owners got hold
of him and plugged him into the wall. He seemed to really like dogs after that.
6. The tape-worm trap
It’s a little pill-shaped, spring-loaded metal trap which
snaps shut on the head of a tape worm trying to get the bait. This would be
great if it weren’t for the fact that tapeworms don’t live in the forest, but
in your stomach! According to the inventor, all you do is swallow it and wait
for the tapeworm to trip the trap, and then pull it out by the attached string
with the tapeworm’s head held firmly in place by the trap.
Really? You want to swallow this thing and go fishing for
tapeworms in your stomach? Do you honestly think your guts are appropriate
worm-jigging grounds? Who thought this up? Somebody who wants to go fishing so
bad that they are willing to fish in your guts for worms, that’s who!
7. Neck Ring Life preserver
Some of these things are dangerous just because, if you
think it might work, you might actually use it. This neck ring life preserver
is supposed to be stylish, easy to use and work well enough so that you can
keep your hat on as you flounder in the ocean. It’s an inflatable tube that
wraps around your neck to keep your head above water so you can relax and wait
for the rescue boat, which should be by in, oh… four or five days.
Simply blow it up, strap it around your neck and jump in the
water. What could possibly go wrong? How about choking yourself to death and becoming one of many
grisly heads floating in the water near a shipwreck? On the bright side, you
look good in rubber!
8. Boomerang Bullets!
Do you feel lucky, kid? I mean really lucky? Finally, it’s a bullet with an airfoil fin at the rear
that’s designed to steer the bullet in a giant circle back to the shooter in
case he misses.
Does anyone else see a problem with this?
Seriously? A bullet that’s designed to return? Why do you
want it back? Just let it go. You can get another. Isn’t it more important that
it fly straight and hit what you aim at, rather then come back to you? Don’t
plan to fail! I mean, why even bother to pull the trigger if you want the
bullet back so bad that you are willing to stop it yourself?
If this actually worked, I think it was the inventor’s last
invention.
Source : http://www.weirdworm.com
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