by Ian Fortey
There are plenty of awful things that can attack you n this world; dogs, tigers, killer bees, sharks, hobos and, of course, the dreaded bear. This past week marked the first time a bear had mauled someone in Yellowstone Park since 1986. The bear was protecting its cubs and the unfortunate hiker paid the price. But this news is grim and depressing in a world where most of our news is grim and depressing. So instead of focusing on all the terrible beasts that can destroy you, let’s focus on animal attacks that make you feel bad for the victim, not because of the damage done, but because it’s kind of lame that the attack happened at all.
President Carter Attacked by a Rabbit History remembers Jimmy Carter as America’s most Jimmy president. And there’s more to his legacy than houses for the poor and Billy Beer. There’s also this near legendary tale of rabbit rage.
Seems President Carter was out on the swamp as Presidents are wont to do when, from the underbrush, a fierce rabbit burst forth and leapt into the water, making a beeline for Carter. Carter, understandably shocked, watched in terror as the rabbit swam at him, in direct defiance of every instinct you currently have that assures you rabbits don’t swim.
With a swing of his mighty oar, which is not a euphemism but a direct reference to the oar Carter had, he scared the beast away. When he returned to the White House, staffers assured the President he was insane or just very stupid, as rabbits can’t swim. But lo! Carter never headed out to the swamp without a photographer and there are actual pictures of this story that it sounds like we just made up. Carter’s administration refused to release them because even though it’s true it still sounds idiotic, but Reagan felt no such qualms and thus the pictures are there for us all to enjoy.
Woman Afraid of Monkeys Attacked by Monkeys
At first this story sounds actually quite frightening and awful, as monkeys, no matter how cute they are, still possess the ability and the desire to rip your arms off and beat you with them. Did you know that? Now you do.
In this tale, a woman was traveling through Thailand when her guides stopped at a place called Monkey Island. Before you continue you need to know two things. The first is that this woman had a pre-existing fear of monkeys. The second is that her fear came from the fact her father owned a chimp that she described as “pure evil.” Those two facts take this story away from frightening and right into hilarious.
In what qualifies as the exact opposite of irony, when the lady afraid of monkeys stopped at Monkey Island, she was attacked by monkeys. This is one of those situations where a bit of forethought could have prevented a lot of monkey bites, but hindsight is 20/20 and all that jazz.
Teacher Attacked by Squirrel
Squirrels are one of the few wild beasts we seem to tolerate gallivanting around our cities. They live everywhere and no one pays them much attention because they’re really just Mother Nature’s hobos. But never grow too complacent or you’ll end up like the would-be good Samaritan of a teacher who saw some baby squirrels in danger and tried to help out. The mother squirrel, fueled by motherly rage that some random human would dare try to undo her negligent parenting (this is how squirrels think) attacked the woman and chased her down. Literally even, the teacher ran away and fell and the squirrel lunged and bit her about the foot and ankle, which is pretty preposterous as wild animal attacks go.
Don Johnson Attacked by a Warthog
If you’re old or prone to watch terrible retro TV, you know that Don Johnson was once on Miami Vice and, in fact, popular. Once. If you’re younger and perverse, you may have just mistaken him for Doc Johnson, purveyors of fine adult novelties. For the rest of us, he’s a guy who got attacked by a warthog.
Like all white people in Africa, Johnson elected to go on safari, which is an Afrikaans word that means “nature is about to destroy you.” However, this being Don Johnson, none of the important or intimidating African animals were willing to put the effort in, so a goddamn bush pig had to do it. And he fought it off with a chair.
Marky Mark’s Son Attacked by an Octopus
Have you ever, in your life, been attacked by an octopus? No. And do you know why? Because why on earth, outside of a 1950’s horror movie, would anyone ever be attacked by an octopus? Octopi are barely even things. Nonetheless, one managed to attack Mark Wahlberg’s son. And to add an extra layer of “huh?” to the situation, the whole event took place at an aquarium. Like a prison for fish. Like a place where all the attack octopi are behind glass.
The story goes that Wahlberg and his son were given a special treat, they could go behind the glass to get up close and personal with the octopus. And of course the octopus had to leap on that little Wahlberg like a ravenous hobo on an errant chicken wing.
Proving that Wahlberg is only a hero in movies, apparently he managed to pull the octopus off of his son but it then focused its attention on an aquarium employee who was screaming for help as Wahlberg just left the building, apparently satisfied with his aquarium experience. We'd like to think that aquarium lady died.
Weatherman Attacked by Pelican
Weathermen are the helmet-wearing step children of the news world - they never have much to tell you that you can’t figure out for yourself by stepping outside so news directors are constantly trying to find something to do with them and praying for hurricanes to justify their salaries. In this case, some Aussie news sent their weatherman to an aquarium, which any Wahlberg will tell you is a terrible place to go, and had him try to explain cumulonimbus or some weather bullshit like that and then a pelican totally tried to eat his ass.
Source : http://www.holytaco.com
No comments:
Post a Comment